Since I missed so much work in the last two weeks, I'm trying to work on the weekends, where my Mom can take me in and I can work as long as I am able to, then we can leave. No one can see me in pain or my tears, because typically no one else works on the weekends. I was happy to be able to get some circuit boards done; not as much as I wanted, but it was as much as I was physically able to do.
Yesterday, for the first hour at work, I felt okay. I did feel some pain, but I was going to work through it, sort of "walking it off". The second hour came along, and I desperately needed a pain pill. Because nothing other than Vicodin (and a hot heating pad) relieves the pain, I took one while at work. I didn't think anything of it, except for the fact that I received a phone call. After the phone call, my Mom said I sounded "loopy" while I was talking, and it probably wasn't safe for me to be operating a soldering iron while on the narcotic. I guess I didn't think about it. I felt like I was getting my job done properly, I wasn't burning myself, but my bottle says not to operate heavy machinery while on it. Soldering isn't really heavy machinery, but I could get seriously burnt if I'm "too out of it". It was time to head home to get dinner started anyway (my wonderful Mom offered to make us dinner ... she's so amazing!) so I really didn't operate the soldering iron too long while being "drugged up".
Today, I really wanted to go in and get more work done, and since I was able to get some laundry done, I figured I could get a lot of work done. I was able to work for about an hour before the pressure against my "owie" started getting very painful. (Remember, my job is a sitting-up, leaning-over a microscope type of job. Not a good job for when you have an owie in that area.) I was tempted to take a Vicodin, but for my Mom's sake, and probably for my safety as well, I didn't. Unfortunately, a few minutes later, the pain was so horrible that I was in tears and had to stop working. So instead of my usual 40+ hour work week, I had 8. Instead of busting out a box of 200 boards, I didn't get nearly that many. I'm very disappointed, but I'm reminding myself that I have an actual medical condition, I have a note to be excused from work, so everything is okay. I guess it's just the high expectations I have of myself that disappoints me the most. I need to let those go.
My Mom brought some work over to my house; stuff I can work on while I'm laying down, with my heating pad and my pain reliever in my system. It makes me feel somewhat "important" that even though I can't go into work, I can still work. I can prep parts for other employees so they can do their jobs quicker. Sure, it's mindless work, like taking nuts and washers off parts, bending parts, etc. But it's stuff I can do. And it makes me happy feeling needed, instead of feeling worthless because I can't do "my job".
This weekend showed me that I can work for about an hour at the shop before the pain starts. Is it worth it to go in this week and try it? Or is it possible that I'll wake up feeling great, then be in pain an hour later because of leaning on my owie? I don't like having to go home during the week after only being there an hour. That's a real inconvenience for Jon, and even though he said he would do anything for me (he's so wonderful), I also know that he's super busy, and I'm not going to add more stress to his day by having to leave work to take me back home. The weekends are great practice for me to see what I'm capable of. And this weekend proved that I'm capable of working two hours, but not consecutively.
So, with this beautiful rainy day, God gave me a hug. My son and hubby have also been giving me hugs, reminding me that it'll all be over when I have my surgery. Jon & Blake have been super great helpers for me, getting me whatever I need, and all around helping me feel better. My parents have too, and that makes me feel good when there are times that I'm down in the dumps. I've been crying a lot, but that's a combination of the pain and the inability to do what I want to do.
But I'm doing my best to keep a positive attitude. The times that I'm not able to go into work, I spent a lot of time with God, which I'm sure is His plan. He wants to spend this "quiet time" with me, to instruct me, to talk with me, to listen to me, and to encourage me. I'll be honest and say that even though it sucks not being able to go to the job that I love so much, I love spending time with my Jesus.
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