Last night, I had a fainting episode at my Grandma's house. Thank goodness Grandma was at her apartment in town, so she didn't see it. I don't know how she would've reacted. But it happened at the kitchen table, while I was drawing, with a table full of people - our hunting buddies Adam & Denny, my Mom & Dad, and our family friend Larry. My Mom caught my head before it fell to the table. I was embarrassed and quite discouraged that it happened. A major setback ... 6 more months of not being able to drive. Ugh.
I think there were a lot of things in my sub-conscious that I thought I was over. For example, on our first day here, a farmer rammed his truck into ours head-on for hunting on his property "without permission" (we thought we had permission). He yelled at my Dad with the most awful, foulest language that I've ever heard. That scene still comes up in my head every now and then, so I was unable to do any hunting this year. Too traumatizing. (Btw, we have made up with the farmer since then, and there was only a little minor dent to Adam's truck).
Secondly, I had a difficult time communicating with my Grandma, which really upset me. Her hearing is getting worse, and I have to repeat myself between 2 and 4 times so she can understand me. Sometimes I just let my sentence go because I could see her frustration. It's gotta be the pitch of my voice. I didn't want to "yell" at her in order for her to hear me. This made me realize that working with elderly people is not what I want to do. Especially not while I'm dealing with my anxiety issues. I love my Grandma very much, but I feel that I wasn't able to spend as much time with her as I had hoped. It's heartbreaking.
And one more issue, which doesn't affect other people, but it sure does affect me ... our toilet was clogged for a few hours yesterday. Mom & Dad worked on it for a long time, and I didn't think anything of it, as I used the basement bathroom. But it affected me without realizing that it was.
So while I'm sitting at the kitchen table, drawing my pictures, all three of these situations got into my head at once and my subconscious went crazy, causing my heart to race, and my limbs to go weak.
It's my fault ... I weaned off my anxiety meds and wasn't doing my relaxation homework. I felt great, and saw no reason to do any of that. Now, I feel that I need to take a little something to take my anxiety edge off, and do my homework everyday. I'll set up a routine ... brush my teeth, floss, take a pill, do my relaxation homework, and do my Bible devotion. Then start my day.
One thing that is promising to me is that I'm normal. My fainting issues are normal. I have a friend who faints when she gets anxious or stressed. I have other friends who faint at the site of blood, needles, or their wives getting ultrasounds.
**Even though I have anxiety, I still love and accept myself. And today is going to be a great day.** (My mantra with my relaxtion exercises.)
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